“What are you doing?” my Hot Hubby asked.
“I’m pulling my underwear out of my ass,” I replied with an eye roll.
“Um…isn’t that a bit counterproductive?” he asked in the same tone he uses when he asks me if I’m having my period due to my throwing of objects.
“What exactly are you implying?” I shot back with narrowed eyes as he carefully made his way to the door of my office.
“I’m just saying I saw you put on a thong this morning. Isn’t it supposed to be up your ass?”
His brilliance stopped me mid yank. He was correct. I had purposely worn crack floss today because I didn’t want panty lines. Damn it to hell. My hatred of panty lines was going to be the end of me.
I pulled my hand from my back side and tried to think happy thoughts. Puppies and kitties were not making the permanent wedgie go away. It was either suffer for my fashion or keep my hand at my crack all day.
I decided to suffer.
Hands at cracks are not lady like.
Oookay, this blog should really be about the wonderfully simple fact that I have a NEW BOOK coming out. Yep, Switching Hour will be released on September 22nd and it is my foray into witches!!! I had planned on it being a trilogy. However, my critique partners informed me I was smoking crack and they wanted this puppy to be the beginning of a new series.
I have capitulated and agreed. I absolutely love writing about Zelda the Shifter Whisperer and her crazy crowd of shape shifting nut bags. Soooooo, I shall continue.
I am now the proud mother of three freakn’ on-going series….Astrid and her clan (The Hot Damned Series), Essie and her clan (Shift Happens Series) and Zelda and her insane clan (Magic and Mayhem Series).
For those of you who like the deets…Switching Hour will be out September 22. Witch Glitch will be out the end of October and A Witch in Time will be out in November. Followed by Fashionably Hotter then Hell, the full length novel of Heathcliff and Raquel. YAYAYAYAYAY!
AND YES, there will be more Dwayne and Granny and of course Astrid. Astrid’s wedding has been percolating in my brain for a while now…Apparently Satan kidnapped Journey to play at the reception and Mother Nature has insisted she bake the wedding cake.
BUTT, pun intended, back to thongs.
My theory is that they are a necessary evil. However I feel the inventor should be both applauded and bitch slapped. To immortalize this flimsy piece of fabric, I shall give you an offensive list of terms to use when referring to the pain in the ass.
You are welcome.
Use these terms at parties. It will be a crowd pleaser. They can also bring any annoying conversation to a screeching halt. For example…
Jane the talker: “I think that the price of botox is insane and did you know that Martha got her teeth bleached and her gums got infected? Sara ate bad Chinese the other day and used the bathroom during pick up line at school for 25 minutes. The entire line stopped moving because she had to relieve herself. Can you imagine?”
You: “That’s awesome. My gosh, my crack floss is so far up my ass it’s squeezing my brain. Do you mind if I adjust my anal sling? You know, permanent wedgies are just not my thing, but panty lines are unacceptable. Fart mufflers are totally the way to go. Don’t you think?”
Jane the talker: total silence…total blessed silence.
If you try it, let me know how it works out for you. Fart Muffler is the best of the worst. I know this for a fact.
Again, you’re welcome.
GO BUY MY BOOK!!!!!
Here are the links!