Chapter 1

Pirate Doug

“Doug, this is an offer you would be foolish to refuse,” Renee said, running a hand through her curly red hair in frustration.

“Pirate Doug,” I reminded her for the fourth time. If the human woman—as attractive and beddable as she was—couldn’t be bothered to remember my title, I couldn’t be bothered to listen.

I was an extremely busy Vampire Pirate of the High Seas. Being on the run for my life was a full fucking time job. Sitting still in an office on dry land was making me itchy. I was a sitting duck for my inordinately long list of enemies. Of course killing me was an almost impossible feat, but I could be dismembered quite easily by the right foe. My arms and legs would regenerate, but it really pissed me off to have to regrow the appendages—not to mention dry socket sucked. I’d had the same legs for three hundred years and I planned on keeping it that way. Now my arms were an entirely different story. Taking a week off to sprout new limbs was a dangerous proposition for someone as in demand as I was.

“So let me get this straight,” I said, casing the office for something to abscond with. Sadly, there was nothing shiny in sight. Either Renee had hidden all her precious booty or she didn’t have any. “You’re going to pay off my debts if I agree to take this appalling offer I have yet to hear?”

“No,” she said with a barely disguised eye roll. “No one in their right mind would pay off your astronomical and wildly illegal financial woes.”

“So then I’m wasting my time and risking my life by being here,” I said, standing up to take my leave.

“Sit,” Renee commanded in a voice that made me a bit randy and resulted in my breeches growing tight.

The small woman had large balls. I found her rudeness wildly arousing. Not that I would make a play for the owner of the Otherworld Defense Agency. She was mated to two Werewolves. Those hairy bastards were vicious. Besides, I preferred nonhuman women who enjoyed the sea—much more durable in the boudoir on my ship.

“Your debt is insurmountable,” she pointed out.

“Thank you,” I replied with a gallant bow.

“That wasn’t a compliment,” she said, biting back a grin.

“My bad,” I said with my most charming smile.

I was obnoxiously aware that I was an obscenely good looking bastard. It had come in handy over my many centuries. Pretty people could get away with murder—not that I was into that sort of thing. I was far more into priceless objects, rare artifacts and getting laid on a very regular basis. Murder only came into play when someone was gunning for my sexy ass.

“Doug,” she began.

“Pirate Doug.”

“Right. Pirate Doug,” Renee amended with a shake of her head and a chuckle. “I can have the most egregious bounty removed from your idiot head if you take the job.”

“You can get the Gnomes off my arse?” I inquired, surprised. I let the idiot comment go mostly because it was accurate and the rest of her statement was very intriguing.

Gnomes were the bane of my fabulous existence at the moment. The bald bastards were after me for too many reasons to count. Of course bedding the gal pal of their head honcho a decade ago didn’t help, but draining their international bank accounts was certainly high on their list of my transgressions as well.

“They owe us a favor or seven,” she said cryptically. “We can erase what you’ve done. However, I’d like to suggest that you steer clear of the Gnomes in the future.”

“Could you be more specific?” I inquired. Implied rules and vague hints were not my forte.

“Sure,” she replied with a sigh and then a laugh. “Keep your dick in your pants and stop stealing their shit. Period. We can’t negate your future crimes—only the ones you’ve already committed.”

“Interesting,” I said, running my hand over my well-trimmed goatee and considering this offer although I still had no idea what I had to do. I was tempted to say yes even though the mission was a mystery. I’d had far too many close calls of late. It was getting quite tiresome to have to fight off those bloodthirsty Gnome sons of bitches.

There were plenty of people and species to steal from. I could avoid looting the Gnomes for a few hundred years. However, keeping my man tool in my breeches might prove to be difficult. The female Gnomes adored me. They were animals in the sack and delightfully violent—all attributes that made my roger quite jolly. Although, living to see tomorrow did appeal…

“Let’s say… hypocritically, I accept your offer. What exactly did you have in mind?” I asked, sitting back down, but rearranging my chair so I could see the exit clearly. Never good to let someone sneak up from behind. That’s how I’d lost my left arm three months ago.

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” Renee asked, seemingly confused. “Do you mean hypothetically?”

I paused in thought. I had been told it made me look smarter…

“No. I’m fairly sure I’m a hypocrite. Did I use it in the sentence wrong? I have a word of the day calendar and I’ve been trying to stretch the old vocabulary. I’ve found pretending to have a higher IQ gets me laid more regularly.”

The human woman was stunned to silence for a brief moment and then had an alarming coughing fit that caused her face to turn a bright red—or possibly she was choking to death. No matter. She was clearly bowled over by my brains and brawn. I was gorgeous and had a legendary trouser snake. However, if she keeled over in my presence I’d have to answer to the fucking Werewolves. That was not my idea of a good time.

“Do you need me to hemlock you?” I inquired politely.

Her eyes grew wide and I wondered if she was daft. I’d heard quite the opposite, but her behavior was strange.

“Umm… no,” she said, getting control of herself with effort. “That won’t be necessary.”

“Very well then,” I replied. “What are the terms?”

“You still have your ship?” she asked, wiping a few tears from her eyes as she cleared her throat several times.

“I have a fleet,” I replied proudly.

“Do I want to know how you amassed a fleet?”

I paused and winked at the harried woman. “Probably not.”

“Fine,” Renee said, scrubbing her hand over her mouth to hide her grin. “We’ve received a distress call from a Mermaid pod in the Bermuda Triangle. They’re being attacked by Sea Hags.”

I froze for a brief moment. Mermaids were my weakness—well, one Mermaid in particular, but she wanted to off my fine ass. Whatever, I didn’t need that delectable swimming hooker. She’d had her chance. It was completely irrelevant that I’d fucked it up.

“And this is a problem?” I asked, not clear on why anyone would want to save either of those species.

“Yes, it’s a problem,” Renee said. “Mermaids are good and Sea Hags are not.”

“Not sure where you’re getting your Intel, but the last Mermaid I encountered tried to castrate me. Do you have any clue how long it takes to grow back a schlong?”

Again the poor human was rendered mute. I really didn’t know how she ran a business if she couldn’t hold a decent conversation.

“Well, do you?” I demanded.

“No,” she choked out and then narrowed her eyes. “And I can live out the rest of my life without knowing. The mission is to help the Mermaids fight off the Sea Hags. While your intellect is debatable, your skills are unrivaled. This is why I’m offering you the mission. If you can’t do it, fine. We’re done here.”

Renee stood up and offered me her hand. This was not going my way. I hated when things didn’t go my way. I usually threw an epic fit, but somehow didn’t think that would go over too well right now. And I wasn’t quite sure if she’d just insulted me.

What I needed was to get the fucking Gnomes off my arse. So what if I had to help some legless wenches. If I wore a protective codpiece over my Johnson, I would probably be fine. As long as it wasn’t the Mystical Isle Pod… I’d be a dead Pirate walking with those waterlogged, sexy freaks of nature.

“Wait,” I said, ignoring her outstretched hand. “So what you’re saying is that I need to send the Sea Hags to Davy Jones’ locker—or at least make a few Black Spots to scare the heinous scallywags off the water loving, scaly tailed bitches’ arses? However, I’d like to know if hornswoggling is off the table, from what I understand the Sea Hags have impressive booty.”

“Umm… I think so,” Renee said, trying to decipher my statement. “If that means you’ll stop the Sea Hags from killing the Mermaids and stealing their land—then yes. Pretty sure you don’t think the Hags have nice asses, so I’ll assume you’re inquiring if you can loot their treasures?”

I always forgot that most didn’t speak Pirate. However, the human woman was right on the money.

“Yes,” I replied with a grin.

She shook her head and closed her eyes. “If you steal from the Sea Hags, I don’t want to know about it. However, there will be no stealing from the Mermaids.”

“Deal,” I said, taking her small hand in mine and shaking it. “Piece of cake. And what is the pod of man-eating Mermaids called?”

There were hundreds of those tail wagging swimming hookers in the Bermuda Triangle. There was no way in Hell it could be the one pod that wanted me strung up and beheaded.

“It’s the Mystical Isle Pod. Do you know of them?”

It was now my turn to be speechless. The prospect of seeing the one that got away—or rather, the one who tried to castrate me for a slight misunderstanding—was horrifyingly tempting. If I declined the job on the outside chance that I would lose my pecker, I’d have to deal with the Gnomes. The Gnomes could mean actual death for me. Weighing the cost of my dong against the cost of my life took me a few minutes.

I smiled at Renee so she wouldn’t be alerted to my inner terror and turmoil. Deciding to risk my wanker as opposed to my life, I nodded and widened my smile. I prayed to Poseidon that it didn’t resemble a constipated wince.

“I do know of them,” I replied, nodding slowly and slightly bent at the waist already in mourning for my nads. “Haven’t seen those gals in a century. It shall be jolly to get reacquainted.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, eyeing me strangely.

“Positive,” I answered. “Absolutely positive.”

Positive that this was a very bad move on my part. Tallulah, the leader of the vicious Mystical Isle Pod of Mermaids, wasn’t exactly fond of me… and that was putting it mildly. The horrible, sexy, breathtaking woman had been starring in my dreams for too many years to count. Sadly, just when my mind wandered to the really good nookie part, the dream ended with her whacking my Johnson off. I just hoped to Hell and back that the Sea Hags had some outstanding booty. If I was going to have to regrow my tallywhacker, the treasure had better damned well be good.