SEA SHENANIGANS SERIES
Jingle Me Balls
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What in the salty seas could be more important than presents at Christmas time? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Tis’ Christmas time on Mystical Isle and just like the fat bastard in red, I’ve made a list and now I shall check it… twice. Yeah, twice. I might wear a diaper, but I’m not an arse.
Battle the human women in sweatpants and snow boots for electronics on Black Friday. Check.
Cover each palm tree in lights even though the Mermaids insist they look phallic. Check. By the way, what does phallic mean? Never mind. Check.
Weave a Christmas tale during family story time on the beach, have a family portrait made in the special sweaters I pilfered, and write a letter to Santa. I mean, fat bastard… Check.
Planning activities that may end in bloodshed. Check. That’s what I call a yuletide win, so check-check.
It seems I have everything under control and Christmas on Mystical Isle will be unforgettable, or I’m not the Well-Hung God of the Sea, Poseidon.
And I am. Check.
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The Throne Room… Mine’s Bigger
“That was certainly a shiteshow and a half,” I said, pulling a bottle of rum from my diaper and taking a healthy swig.
“Yes, Poseidon it was,” Wally said, looking down at me from her enormous jewel- encrusted throne. “We are neverinviting all of your children to Thanksgiving again. At least five hundred of the nine hundred and whatever showed up. The palace is a disaster.”
My mate was correct. All three hundred and thirteen rooms in our palace had been ransacked by my inebriated offspring. While it was heartwarming to see them all so soused while violently wrestling each other, they were somewhat out of control—especially the girls.
“Thank the Seven Seas not everyone came,” I said, trying to figure out what was bothering me right now. I had a strange feeling that something wasn’t quite right. “However, my favorite part of the evening was when Zeus popped his head in to say hello, and someone yelled food fight. Did my heart good to see the arsehole get beaned with hundreds of pumpkin pies.”
“That was you, darling,” Wally said, trying to bite back a grin. “You yelled food fight.”
My dark-haired beauty with the outstanding left hook and tremendous knockers was my reason for living. My alarmingly large army of children came next with rum coming in at a solid third. Of course, my job was a joy. Being the well-hung God of the Sea came with great pay and even greater perks. The Royal Palace on Mt. Olympus was just one such perk. However, there was definitely something odd going on in the throne room at the moment.
“Do you think Zeus could tell it was me?” I asked with a chuckle, glancing around the opulent room to spy if any of my offspring might have passed out and were still here.
Nope. All clear.
“Definitely,” Wally said with an eye roll. “I’m quite sure when you shouted ‘My spawn, as your father, Poseidon, I command you to throw pie at the pecker standing in the doorway’ was a dead giveaway.”
“Shite,” I muttered, taking another swig. “The sneaky bastard will try to get me back.”
“Not to worry,” Wally said with a naughty little smile. “I have his throne. If he messes with you, I’ll paint it hot pink.”
“That’s what’s wrong,” I said, glancing up in shock at my violent gal. “You’re seated at least three feet higher than I am.”
“That I am,” Wally said with a wink that made my roger jolly.
“As much as I enjoy looking up your dress—and I definitely do,” I said with a grin, getting ready to duck just in case I put my foot into my mouth and pulled it out of my arse, as my mate liked to say. “Makes my Johnson feel a bit deflated when your throne is bigger than mine.”
“I won it in the poker game the other night,” Wally said.
“Strip poker?” I bellowed. If the other gods had seen Wally’s melons, I’d have to kill them. That could get a bit dicey since we were all extremely hard to kill.
“Of course not,” she said with a laugh. “I’d have to bleach my eyes if I ever saw Hades’ privates. Regular poker. I won fair and square.”
“You didn’t threaten them?” I asked, impressed that my gal had beat the old codgers.
“Maybe a bit,” Wally said with a delighted laugh.
Gods, I adored my woman. “What would it take to trade thrones?”
“Not much,” she said with a grin that looked so innocent it terrified me.
“Mmmkay,” I said, downing the rest of the bottle. “Define not much.”
Wally stepped off the throne, moved to where I sat, and straddled me. It was pretty much a done deal that my nutty gal was going to get whatever she wanted.
“I want to spend Christmas on Mystical Isle with our idiot son, Pirate Doug, and his lovely mate, Tallulah. I adore all the Mermaids there and Mt. Olympus is so stuffy and boring,” she said. “Plus, the resort the girls run is absolutely divine.”
I didn’t even have to think about it. The plan was brilliant.
“Love it,” I bellowed. “Besides, DIC is killing me. I’d like to just quit DIC—eliminate DIC altogether.”
Wally closed her eyes and pressed her temples. “If you remove your Johnson, I’m out of here.”
“Not my dick,” I said with a laugh. “DIC.”
“Clear as mud,” she muttered.
“Divine Immortal Circuit. You know that all the gods have to take a turn governing the other idiots. If I hadn’t lost at strip poker a few months back, I wouldn’t have to run the damn thing for the next century. They are a bunch of whiney little shites.”
“Right,” she said, heaving a sigh of relief. “Well, in that case, I say we leave tonight. We can stay on Mystical Isle for the month. It will be a vacation!”
“Outstanding,” I shouted as I scooped my she-devil into my arms and prepared to transport us to Mystical Isle. “And tomorrow is Black Friday.”
“What in the world is Black Friday?” Wally asked.
“A day for a deal, my love. And I plan to deal.”
Series: Sea Shenanigans, Book 6
Publisher: Robyn Peterman
Publication Date: January 6, 2020
Genre: Paranormal Romance, Romantic Comedy
Length: 132 pages