“What are you doing?” my Hot Hubby asked.
“I’m pulling my underwear out of my ass,” I replied with an eye roll.
“Um…isn’t that a bit counterproductive?” he asked in the same tone he uses when he asks me if I’m having my period due to my throwing of objects.
“What exactly are you implying?” I shot back with narrowed eyes as he carefully made his way to the door of my office.
“I’m just saying I saw you put on a thong this morning. Isn’t it supposed to be up your ass?”
His brilliance stopped me mid yank. He was correct. I had purposely worn crack floss today because I didn’t want panty lines. Damn it to hell. My hatred of panty lines was going to be the end of me.
I pulled my hand from my back side and tried to think happy thoughts. Puppies and kitties were not making the permanent wedgie go away. It was either suffer for my fashion or keep my hand at my crack all day.
I decided to suffer.
Hands at cracks are not lady like.
Oookay, this blog should really be about the wonderfully simple fact that I have a NEW BOOK coming out. Yep, Switching Hour will be released on September 22nd and it is my foray into witches!!! I had planned on it being a trilogy. However, my critique partners informed me I was smoking crack and they wanted this puppy to be the beginning of a new series.
I have capitulated and agreed. I absolutely love writing about Zelda the Shifter Whisperer and her crazy crowd of shape shifting nut bags. Soooooo, I shall continue.
I am now the proud mother of three freakn’ on-going series….Astrid and her clan (The Hot Damned Series), Essie and her clan (Shift Happens Series) and Zelda and her insane clan (Magic and Mayhem Series).
For those of you who like the deets…Switching Hour will be out September 22. Witch Glitch will be out the end of October and A Witch in Time will be out in November. Followed by Fashionably Hotter then Hell, the full length novel of Heathcliff and Raquel. YAYAYAYAYAY!
AND YES, there will be more Dwayne and Granny and of course Astrid. Astrid’s wedding has been percolating in my brain for a while now…Apparently Satan kidnapped Journey to play at the reception and Mother Nature has insisted she bake the wedding cake.
BUTT, pun intended, back to thongs.
My theory is that they are a necessary evil. However I feel the inventor should be both applauded and bitch slapped. To immortalize this flimsy piece of fabric, I shall give you an offensive list of terms to use when referring to the pain in the ass.
You are welcome.
Use these terms at parties. It will be a crowd pleaser. They can also bring any annoying conversation to a screeching halt. For example…
Jane the talker: “I think that the price of botox is insane and did you know that Martha got her teeth bleached and her gums got infected? Sara ate bad Chinese the other day and used the bathroom during pick up line at school for 25 minutes. The entire line stopped moving because she had to relieve herself. Can you imagine?”
You: “That’s awesome. My gosh, my crack floss is so far up my ass it’s squeezing my brain. Do you mind if I adjust my anal sling? You know, permanent wedgies are just not my thing, but panty lines are unacceptable. Fart mufflers are totally the way to go. Don’t you think?”
Jane the talker: total silence…total blessed silence.
If you try it, let me know how it works out for you. Fart Muffler is the best of the worst. I know this for a fact.
Again, you’re welcome.
GO BUY MY BOOK!!!!!
Here are the links!
I can not wait for Sept. 22, I love you so hard Pookiemomma…
Back at ya!!!
Believe me, crack floss IS for weenies. All depends on your perspective.
Dave, you scare me…in a good way.
I tried the butt floss coochie smoosher and said hell no! I’ll deal with panty lines!!!
OMG I give up, just trace my panty lines with a Sharpie and guffaw! My crack will remain unflossed, thank you!
Mary, you made me laugh!!!
I stumbled across How Hard Can It Be? and I was hooked! I had to muffle my laughter for fear of waking up my Mum (who was sleeping in the next room), and had the cats giving me weird looks because the bed was practically shaking with my laughter (and I was disturbing them). I’ve read all the Handcuffs & Happily Ever Afters and have just started the Hot Damned series. Love your writing so much!!
Angela, Thank you! You made my day!
On me the poor little thong is more like a zip line between two mountains! So I stick to boy short panties ..no butt cheek lines…
No matter what you are writing, you are amazing! I was in stitches reading this post and had everyone staring at me trying to figure out what my problem was! Piper (my Sheltie) kept glaring at me for fear of being squished while I was ROTFL! HA!
As for the butt floss – I hate flossing the teeth, so no way is the butt getting done! Did you ever notice that it is a catch-22 – panty lines vs jiggly butt – the thong spreads your cheeks and makes your butt jiggle and it becomes soooo obvious you are wearing the crack divider – new term! crack widener! bwaaahahhaaa Best option – GO COMMANDO!
I abso-fracken-lutely love your books and I cannot emphasize just how much you & your books mean to me! I am fully convinced that Some Were in Time is what helped to start the process of getting me back to being ME by pulling me out of the “Cherri pit of funk” that I have been in for the past couple of months!! So from the bottom of my heart – THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!! THANK YOU for your friendship. THANK YOU for letting me be a part of your world. THANK YOU for the opportunity to read, review and pimp your books!! You are truly my Queen Pookiemamawoowoohumpies, my Queen Pimpette and the Queen of All Things Awesome & Amazing! ah hell, you are the Queen of Uproariously Extraordinarily Entertaining Novels (Queen)!
p.s. Please don’t tell my Mom. She is the Queen Dragon (nope, I am not being mean, that is the title she gave herself!) and The Queen of all things Me! 🙂
Cherri-Anne, I absolutely adore you! You made my night! xoxo Robyn
SWEET! As long as it made you happy, then my work here is done! Or at least until the next Robyn book comes out, of course! 🙂